Two weeks into 2017 and we’ve got our first feature post of the year. And who better to touch base with than the apple of my eye, OG MyXXFLY model Linda.
When y’all last heard about our girl she was a brand new mommy, adjusting to life with beautiful newborn baby Hendrix. Now? Baby birb is 10 months old and just as precious as she was back then, if not more.
Deciding to start a family is madness in its purest form, but from this madness stems the beauty of human existence. When I first met Linda many moons ago she was my wild child, ride or die. While some broads sat around talking about boyfriends, marriage, white picket fences and babies, she and I were gallivanting around South Florida smoking, singing, dancing the night away, and talking shit about our exes.
Needless to say, when I received the phone call about her pregnancy I couldn’t believe it. Of all the emotions that rushed over me, (initial shock, excitement over being a tia, admiration at her bravery) worry was never one of them. Of all the women in my life, I knew Linda would face the task of being a mother with more strength than anyone of us could muster, but I also knew that being a new parent in the U.S. was not for the faint of heart.
The decision to be a parent is probably the hardest you’ll ever have to make. Sure, choosing a major at university, or what you’re going to cook for dinner may seem hard, but some things in life don’t have a reset button. Being a parent is the ultimate, do not pass go, do not collect $200, no take backsies, you’re stuck chuck, kind of pivotal “don’t fuck this up” decision. So before you make it, arm yourself with information.
The cheese stands alone.
The United States is the only industrialized nation that does not have paid maternity leave provisions. In other words, if you are new mommy in the U.S. and need time off after giving birth (which you most certainly will because you just gave birth to a fucking baby), you are at the mercy of the kindness of your employer to give you that time. There are only two laws designed to protect employee rights in the case of pregnancy.
The Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978, was put in place to ensure that an expectant mother not be unduly fired or discriminated against because she is pregnant. The Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA) protects an employees job for 12 weeks if he/she needs to take a leave of absence for reasons including illness, disability, or pregnancy (if certain requirements are met.) Neither of these laws stipulate paid time off. So even if you qualify to take time off, odds are that unless you work for a pretty great company, you won’t be paid while you’re gone.
Congratulations! You just had a baby. I don’t know how you’re going to pay your rent now that you’ve taken a leave of absence, but here’s a lovely bouquet of flowers to spruce up the place before you’re thrown out on your ass. Maybe I’m a cynical motherfucker, but I would never expect benevolence from an employer under any circumstances. So if baby comes knocking at your door, make sure to gather all of your time and resources in preparation for when you will have to take your leave.
Our girl Linda works for a company with over 50 employees and thus, qualified for 12 weeks under the FMLA. Financially however, she was only able to take 10 weeks. Using her accrued sick, personal, and vacation days she made due before returning to work when baby Hendrix was but 9 weeks old. So I bet you’re wondering what the ideal amount of time for a new mother to bond with her baby is? You might guess 12 weeks based on the aforementioned laws, but you would be dead-ass wrong. Data has been compiled in Europe since the industrial revolution, when women’s roles expanded to life outside of the home, and maternity leave became a subject of interest. The centuries of studies and data show that the most optimal amount of maternity leave is 40 weeks. 40 weeks. While some countries offer anywhere from 14 to 35 weeks of paid leave, women in the U.S. are lucky if they get 12 without pay.
Don’t get it twisted either, this isn’t a way to con the government into giving you a vacation. Bonding isn’t just hanging out with your kid, it is a biological process necessary for the adaptation and evolution of the species. A healthy full-term baby is programmed for bonding. If you’ve ever held a newborn and been mesmerized by their intoxicating smell, congratulations, you just got played. Otherwise defenseless itty bitties have a “new baby” smell as an evolutionary benefit. This smell affects the reward and pleasure centers of the brain, and incentivizes mom to not leave baby in a ditch. The smell disappears after 6 weeks, but by then, well, that baby has you in the palms of her squishy little hands. Noises, smiles, eye contact, searching for the breast, these are all cues for the caregiver to respond, and let’s be real, you probably will.
The ability to bond with the caregiver prevents disease, boosts immunity, and even enhances IQ. In Linda’s ideal situation, she would be able to take time off work for at least a year to be with her baby. She feels paternity leave should also be in the mix, and I agree whole-heartedly. Society often robs men of the experience of bonding and attaching with their offspring despite the proven benefits. Paid leave accounts for lower infant deaths as well as better health in both mom and baby, due to the ability to form close attachments in early development. The benefits however, don’t stop there. One study tracking children born in Norway after the country implemented four months paid leave and one year of unpaid leave, found that kids born after the change had lower high school drop out rates, higher IQ’s, and even grew taller. Norway now offers new moms 35 weeks paid, or 45 weeks at 80% pay, with flexibility when it comes to dad’s taking time off as well. While there is no way to pinpoint why health and developmental benefits improve, the correlation is impossible to ignore. Breast-feeding alone is medically proven to prevent disease, infections, and other illnesses in babies, but more timely check-ups, and immunizations may easily contribute to the positive outcome.
Developmentally the benefits are just as remarkable. Studies show that babies who cannot bond with mom during the first 12 weeks are more likely to have behavioral problems and lower cognitive test scores at the age of 4. In fact, to take things a step further, there is an extremely important process during which parents and infants connect, called attunement. A healthy full-term baby is born with the ability to read and mimic expressions, and through eye-contact with the care giver, a baby will begin to develop empathy. In other words, a propensity for kindness and an ability to understand the feelings of others and read non-verbal cues is something babies are learning as soon as they are born. In less than ideal environments, like domestic abuse in the home, harsh discipline, or post-partum depression in the mother, a baby may miss out on attunement. This leads to aggressive behavior, antisocial tendencies, and violence later in life. The more we find out about early child development, the more we see that these precious 40 weeks have a huge impact in shaping the kind of future we will live in.
Besides putting new parents in an uncertain and stressful situation, the lack of legislation in protecting the rights of new mothers also disregards the nature of pregnancy itself. Every woman hopes for the best case scenario during a pregnancy, but there is no guarantee that things will run smoothly. Linda looked forward to the rush of a natural childbirth, but because she didn’t dilate she had to be induced. Hendrix was born via c-section which requires more recuperation time for the mother. The physical trauma endured by women during childbirth, not to mention the additional stressors if there are complications, are not accounted for by our government in any way. To put new mothers in a position where they may have to return to work out of economic necessity despite being physically incapable of safely doing so, is a grave disservice to American women, their children, and to the nuclear family itself.
New parents are left to just kind of figure it out. For a country that touts family values, it sure turns a blind eye at the most basic needs of pregnant women and new parents. I suppose legislators think the nuclear families they claim to champion just spring up like weeds into picture-perfect Norman Rockwell paintings. The effort and sacrifice on the part of parents who continually and silently struggle for years on end, is one of the unseen tragedies of this country.
To be or not to be
Now I’m sure it may seem that way, but I’m not trying to discourage you from being a parent by throwing a lot of unsavory facts your way. But if motherhood is something you choose to undertake, I want you to be armed with the reality of the situation. The fact that a middle class or low income family can successfully raise a child in 21st century America is a testament to the tenacity of humans. You will never see a greater example of friends or a community coming together than when they do so around a newborn baby, but having a child is a decision that is not to be taken lightly.
So let’s just put it out there right now, there is no “right” way to be a woman. The choice, to be or not to be a mother, is a great privilege. While society may pressure us into feeling that our lives are incomplete until we become mothers, I’ve never subscribed to this ideal. I am fortunate enough to live in a time and a country where the decision to conceive is my own, and it is a right that I will fight for adamantly if threatened. The level of sacrifice and mindfulness necessary in being a parent, a mentor, an example to a child, step-child, or foster-child, should be taken seriously. As uncle Ben taught us, with great power comes great responsibility, and molding a young mind, or being a source of guidance to a child gives you a great deal of power.
While being a guiding light for a child may seem scary, Linda finds this is the most rewarding thing about being a mom, and also the most difficult. The physical changes that pregnancy brings are glaringly obvious, but there are emotional hurdles as well. Adjusting to the idea that your life will never be what it once was after giving birth can be incredibly exciting, or unbelievably difficult, to deal with. If you’re not in the right head space, it can be a devastating truth. Lucky for you, you’ve got a whole nine months and 18 years to figure it out. Being a mom can put your own life in a harsh light. You may worry about your own perceived failures or short-comings, but as Linda has shown me in the first 10 months of baby Hendrix’s life, you cannot let anxiety get the best of you. Linda lives to be a better example for Hendrix, and to teach her how to not only survive, but to thrive.
Linda describes her pregnancy as “incredible”. She says “the feeling of a life moving in your belly” is something she cannot entirely put into words, but feels that the creation of life that happens inside a woman’s body is in a word, “mind-blowing”. Although it goes by all too quickly. During Linda’s pregnancy she became a bonafide expert on “baby”. She absorbed all the information given to her by family, friends, and health-care professionals during pre-natal care. Learning about what changes and milestones you can expect is a great way to calm the anxiety you may feel while pregnant. And why wouldn’t you be anxious? Having a tiny human growing inside you? That shit sounds as terrifying as that scene from Alien where the baby bursts out of that dude’s chest in a cascade of blood and guts. Linda’s advice? “Drink lots of water, walk a lot, laugh a lot, and live!”, sounds like good advice in general doesn’t it? Most importantly she feels loneliness is dangerous for a pregnant woman, so “don’t ever think you’re alone in your feelings, and don’t let yourself feel alone”.
When baby Hendrix arrived, she transformed Linda’s life, and consequently, the lives of everyone who loves Linda. Josh was, and continues to be, the greatest source of support for Hendrix and Linda, and for that I will forever admire him. He describes the rewarding experience of being a new dad as one that “brings light” to his life, and it absolutely shows. All of Hendrix’s smiles and hugs are moments her parents treasure through the bleary-eyed sleeplessness of baby’s first year.
What Linda and Josh look most forward to is seeing what develops. “How will she wear her hair? Will she zip and fasten, or fasten then zip?”. What quirks will Hendrix have, what will she be passionate about, what will her personality be like? Who will she become as an adult? As a new parent, your perspective on life completely changes. In Josh’s own words “the world’s problems seem scarier because you have this tiny life to protect from them, but it’s so crazily, insanely, beyond worth it.” The answer to the questions of who their children will become are what every new parent waits for the answers to with bated breath, and this wonder is what tugs at their heartstrings and keeps parents like Linda and Josh working tirelessly and lovingly day in and day out.
I admire Linda and Josh immensely for their strength in persevering and raising baby Hendrix in a loving environment, despite the difficulties that new parents face, in a country where the needs of new families are unaccounted for. Baby Hendrix Ivy, at but 10 months old, has softened the hearts of a group of misfits in an unthinkable way. She is beloved by those closest to her, and adored by all who she sets her sights on, because the hard work, care, and sacrifice of her parents shows in her disposition. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child, but Hendrix Ivy is the itty bitty queen of a motherfucking army. I feel fortunate every day to be a part of her life. #squidsquad
Which brings me to the grand announcement! If you hadn’t already suspected, I’d like to take this moment to announce that I’m pregn, just kidding. But since I still have your attention, I’d like to say that on the dawn of a Trump administration, it is important now, more than ever, to pressure your local representatives into defending the rights of women, parents, and families. There is no place for apathy. Please take the time to donate to planned parenthood by clicking here. While the responsibility of raising a child ultimately lies on the shoulders of the parents, our government has a duty to act in the best interest of its citizens, always. If you reside in the state of Florida be sure to follow @MyXXFLY on twitter, for updates on local elections and topics of interest in the local community of Miami-Dade County. See you next week when we tour the Garden of the Arts in Hialeah, and keep yourself and your kiddos double-x fly!
