La Gordita

This week we’re back at AD Barnes Park in an easy outfit for the near unbearable heat of Miami summer, and now that we’ve been in the swing of things here at MyXXFLY for a couple of months, it’s time for some behind the scenes story time.

For many years before MyXXFLY, and for the greater part of my life I’ve been a novice photographer. I remember the transition clearly, from wind-up cameras, polaroids, and trips to the Navarro and Costco photo-centers with my grandparents, to my first digital cameras and DSLRs. From photographs of the inanimate; fire hydrants, and electrical boxes with personality, to photographs of loved ones, strangers, and myself during vulnerable moments. Still, none of that prepared me for modeling, and none of that prepared me for photographing features for this project.

I’ve approached many friends about modeling for MyXXFLY, and so far, with few exceptions, I find that the thinner the person the more eager they are to participate, the larger? The more apprehensive. This fact only convinces me that despite harsh criticism, the body-positive movement is necessary. For every fat girl loving her body and giving no fucks, there are dozens of bigots whose blood boils at the thought of it. Being fat and visible can be overwhelming, I’ve lived this truth for my entire life. I was always the largest kid on the first day of school, and into adolescence, always the kid who needed adult sizing. I wasn’t the target of much bullying; my mouth and size made it hard to get picked on, but I know, and have seen how hate can destroy a person. I’ve felt the anxiety that comes with putting yourself out there, I know it can be debilitating, but these insecurities can only be rectified by facing our demons.

Now, I’m sure you all assume I just popped out of the womb all confident and fly. Frankly, I feel all of us do, and the world just beats it out of us. We then struggle through adolescence and adulthood to get back the confidence we were born with, because children are uninhibited and free of artifice, but adults? What a fucking mess. In reality however, I struggled (and sometimes still do) to be comfortable in my own skin. I vehemently encourage people to push themselves, to be daring, to go places that make them uncomfortable. Why? Because how else will we grow? See, I work in education. I see insecure and depressed third graders all the time. A depressed 7 year old, what a fucking crime. Children afraid to be themselves, or different in any way, out of fear of being ridiculed. Chubby little girls who look at me as if I’m a goddamn superhero just because I’m not sad or hiding the rolls and folds that make them sad and make them want to hide. Just because I look like they do. The more we expose ourselves to our fears, the less scary these become.

Growing up I was always “la gordita”, and that was just perfect. The thing about Spanish is, being fat sounds cute as fuck right? It’s endearing. You’re not fat, you’re hermosa, not huge, but grande. Who doesn’t want to be grande? Once I started dating however, I realized that being gordita wasn’t necessarily a good thing. I let boys convince me I should lose weight, that I would be so much easier to love if I conformed to what society dictated my body should look like. I was easy to like, in secret, but not easy to take out in public because nothing terrifies a boy more, than being made fun of by other boys, for liking a fat girl. I developed an eating disorder, starved myself, exercised to the point of exhaustion, passed out at school, had paramedics in my home, and the “thinnest” I ever dropped was to 185 pounds. Fat with an eating disorder? Shit happens all the time, and worse, the positive feedback manifests ten-fold and only encourages you to keep hurting yourself. A waif thin 16 year old with disordered eating would be cause for alarm, but a 185 pounds 16 year old? She’s still chubby, could still stand to lose 30 pounds, is told to keep it up, her hard work is paying off. So let me tell you now, if someone withholds love based on your body, they don’t know what love is. If you berate yourself when you break your diet, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Nothing good can flourish from a language of hate. Thin is not the key to happiness, and fat is not the worse thing you can be. Health is an awesome goal, but is much easier to maintain when it is rooted in self-love.

I was lucky enough to fall out of the trap of self-harm and self-loathing, to say fuck it. I work out because I value my strength, I make all of my meals at home because I can’t afford not to. I strive for healthy, I sometimes slip, but I no longer apologize for the size of my body. I’m not afraid to take up space, I don’t shrink, I don’t try to be inconspicuous. This horrifies people. Really, it’s horrific, I can ruin someones day just by existing unapologetically in this body. I’ve been given diet tips by strangers who feel entitled to pass judgement on my body, been told I should cover my arms, been glared at for wearing short skirts and baring my midriff. Being fat and visible is an act of defiance, a protest every day. No I don’t conform to your idea of beauty. Yes I still love myself. Deal with it.

The bottom line? Do not let fear guide your actions. We shouldn’t personify fear, because our biggest obstacle isn’t fear, its ourselves and how we act when we feel afraid. By hiding behind the big bad Fear, we cause ourselves to miss amazing opportunities and experiences; we live a little less. Every time you put yourself out there isn’t going to be great or life-changing, it may even be horrifying. But growth is incremental, and by taking chances more often we allow ourselves to reach our maximum potential. If there’s anything you’ve been putting off, some excuse you keep making, something you want to do but “can’t”, ask yourself why. You are the only thing stopping you. Don’t be afraid to fully experience life, to walk your own path, to defy. Make positive changes, because you love yourself enough to know you deserve only the best. Say fuck it, do your thing, and keep your double-x fly.