Last week I went on a spiel about mental health because well, that shit’s important bruh. We often ignore the significance of mental and emotional health. Since it goes unseen, it’s easy to sweep under the rug, but if I could scream it from the rooftops I would: YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT AS FUCK. There are many contributing factors that determine your mental health, and you can read about them here if you missed it. Today however, we’re bringing you with us to the Atlantic Ocean and expanding on one of those facets, relationships.
In my experience as an Earthling, I’ve found that the foundation of any good relationship, between friends, between family, with lovers, as well as strangers, is having a good relationship with yourself. My girl Whitney can tell you all about it, and in song no less. Why is it so important? Well because, a relationship by definition involves two people, one of them, always being you. You can’t control another human unless you’re a mutant with powers that specifically mean you can, but you can control what you do.
Despite what the romantic comedy tells you, two wounded souls coming together to mend each other is a fucking bad idea. Been there, done that, do not recommend it.
This isn’t to say you have to be perfect to make a relationship work, but the more intimately you know who the fuck you are, the easier it’ll be to effectively communicate and navigate the complexities of being in a relationship. We should all work relentlessly toward self-improvement independent of those around us, and often? We expect our partners to “complete” us without realizing we’ve gotta be complete and satisfied all by ourselves.
Now, I don’t sit here and write this with any authority, you can take it or leave it. But how did I come to this conclusion? Well, let me tell you a story about a girl.
A girl who has fallen in and out of romantic love many times in her life.
See, after every failed relationship (many of which failed in the same way), she realized something that changed her next headfirst tumble into love.
Falling out of love, wasn’t entirely the fault of her past lovers.
What?!
I know, I know. How could that be? You mean I wasn’t the fucking greatest thing that ever happened to those short-sided imbeciles? Well, sometimes, I was. Other times? I definitely wasn’t.
At any given moment, during any interaction between two human beings, there are two distinct experiences happening simultaneously. The truth unhindered by perception, and the truth as each individual sees it.
Our moods and points of view color every interaction we ever have. Some of these factors are genetic, some environmental. The interactions with your caregivers as an infant and child, with authority figures and peers as you grow older, with the planet fucking Earth even, ultimately make up whatever color your glasses are tinted.
So, back to the story about that girl.
Her glasses, were regular old round ones for her myopia. They weren’t tinted at all. So this girl saw things how they were, and that’s good right? Well, yes. Except she forgot that who wears the lens is as important as what’s beyond it.
Spoiler alert! That girl is me. Since my lungs expanded with that first breath after my mom squeezed me out of her pussy one moonlit morning in March, I’ve been moody as fuck. Since the first time someone told me a thing I disagreed with, I’ve been a goddamn know-it-all.
For longer than I’m proud to admit, I accepted these things about myself, without stepping back and seeing how they affected my interpersonal relationships. These were things that I had no trouble admitting were FACT, but I didn’t give them any thought past that point, and I definitely should have.
So why do relationships not work when there’s love and attraction? In my experience? It’s timing. The most important factor in my life, before I was ready to love someone unequivocally was maturity and self-efficacy, and I wasn’t able to do that fully until I fucked up a lot. Before this, all of my relationships suffered, even the ones that weren’t romantic. Just ask my parents what a pain in the ass I was.
Acknowledging our faults is the first step, and I was always aware of my shortcomings, but not being a dick is even better. With love and self-improvement, you recognize abuse and have the courage to tell anyone who does you intentional harm to shit or get off the pot. You live a life that is fulfilling to you, without needing validation from others. Then? Fruitful connections happen. You learn reciprocity, you learn that love is symbiotic, and you realize that in order to give love, you must be your own person. It sounds counter intuitive but, when you love yourself, you love others more.
Most of my relationships before this grand revelation were all-encompassing in the worst fucking way. I loved deeply, but it was the kind of co-dependent love that I didn’t know how to live without. So when the relationships ended, it was catastrophic. I’ve lied to hold on to love. I’ve withheld love as punishment. I’ve said soul-crushing shit to people I loved when they hurt me.
After countless damaging relationships, the last of which left me in a deep depression where I nearly lost my damn mind, I realized that the love of another could never mend the parts of me that needed fixing. I was forced to face the woman in the mirror and began the process of facing my insecurities without anyone’s help. I started taking better care of the friendships and other relationships I’d neglected for romantic love.
That’s the thing about relationships, when one is bad, they all suffer, because you suffer. Now I know myself intimately enough, that I can communicate my wants and needs effectively. Without letting my emotions or my stubbornness get the best of me.
The key? That you’ve heard a million times but never fully seeps the fuck in? Communication. Being honest about who you are and what you need is easy when you know your own strengths and weaknesses. Don’t be afraid of your truth, even if it isn’t pretty. At the same time, listen to the wants and needs of the people in your life. Don’t be passive aggressive, and don’t hide things hoping they will go away. If you’re upset about something, or feel slighted by someone you love, for fucks sake SAY SOMETHING. Many times, an individual has no clue that their action or inaction is causing someone they love grief, and if no one ever checks them on it, they’ll continue to do or not do whatever this thing is.
Don’t be passive aggressive, and don’t wait until you’re upset about something to bring it up. What ends up happening? You stew in a pot of rosemary and pissed the fuck off until you boil over and shout about this thing that you’d been feeling but waited until you could no longer take, to talk (i.e. yell) about. Don’t put it off, and be kind in your delivery. The best way to get someone to not listen to a word you’re saying is to be a dick.
In the words of sensei Frank Ocean, when love is involved, we all try. So give the people you love the opportunity to try, by communicating your emotional needs.
So what if you do communicate, but feel like you’re not being heard? This is where you’ve got to look at the other side of the equation. I’ve done the leg-work, and can tell you that every single person listens, understands, and shows appreciation and affection differently. In the book “The Five Love Languages” Gary Chapman breaks it down.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
If you and your partner don’t give or receive love in the same way, you will always feel frustrated. So find out what your desires are individually, and then, share them with each other. In a moment of tension, step back and think about how your differences may be coloring those glasses.
If you’ve got that down. The best piece of advice I can give you is don’t lie to the people you love. Really. Be a grown-up, and face whatever consequence the truth will bring, sooner rather than later. I’ve lied to hold onto love, and it only extends the lifeline of something that is not meant for you. Even if no one ever catches you in a lie, it’s bad karma, and you don’t want any of that. Lovers and friends will appreciate your honesty. Deliver it with a pinch of kindness, and c’est la vie. When we lie to others, we’re only lying to ourselves.
Next? Sacrifice. Humans are selfish as fuck, but relationships ask you to not look out for number one. If you don’t feel like doing something, but it’s really important to someone you love, take one for the team and do it without resentment. Your relationship will benefit from it. At the same time, recognize that no one should make you feel obligated to do things you don’t want to do. There are some people who will take advantage of your kindness if you let them. Know when to say no, but remember reciprocity is key. You would dig it if a friend or lover had your back right? Well then, have their backs too. If you feel that you’re giving too much and not getting enough? Work on that communication thing.
Lastly, forgive. Everyone fucks up, even you. Recognize that we are all flawed and you shouldn’t expect anyone to be all good all the time. The capabilities of you and your partner are limited. One person cannot, and should not be expected to play any one role perfectly. Know the strengths and weaknesses of you and your partner and play to those so that you expand your capabilities ten-fold. Relationships take work, but if you find the rhythm and work together, you can get wherever you want to go. Don’t be afraid to fail, admit your faults, or ask for help if you’re faltering.
At this point in time, I find myself in the best romantic relationship of my adult life. I took my own advice, and with a lot of self-awareness and over the course of many years, it’s paying off in dividends. My relationship with my family is the best it’s ever been, I have a close group of wonderful supportive friends, and the love of a man who is always the best part of my day.
Psychological pain, such as depression or anxiety, often emerges due to trauma or problematic interpersonal relationships. People will tell you that you have to suffer for love, but I’m telling you that you don’t. Life will bring suffering your way without you having to go out and look for it. Know what conditions you thrive in and do not settle for less than that. Don’t inflict pain on those you love, and don’t allow others to inflict pain on you. The company you keep should be your first line of defense against the lumps of life, not the source.
Love doesn’t keep score, and should never feel like a chore, if you are miserable in a relationship, don’t let fear stop you from ending it. Sometimes despite how much you try, a relationship just isn’t right for you. If your core values are too disparate, if your lifestyles or goals are wildly different, odds are you won’t live happily ever after, and that’s okay. Don’t try to make a square peg fit in a round hole, love yourself enough to live your best and most fulfilling life, even if that means living it alone.
Every single action we take has a source. The source can be a place of love and respect, or a place of anger and fear. The way we treat strangers, the planet earth, our coworkers, our bodies, have a ripple effect on the rest of our lives and relationships. Show love and respect to everyone and everything in your life, even those who rebuke it. Why? Because even if someone rejects it, you will still radiate love. Connect with your spirit, tap into the unseen frequencies around you, be a source of light in the darkness, and keep your double-x fly.
