An Open Face Along the Straits of Fear

This week in story time, like a sailor at sea, a survivor of flight 815, or the other sock, we are lost. Or rather, I am. Maybe the state of limbo in my life, and the lives of my loved ones is weighing on me, maybe I’ve got too much restless energy that’s gumming up the works, or maybe times are just fucking tough and I’m simply human, but frankly, I’m out of sorts. Or well, I was.

On this particular day, I stood in front of my closet, and gravitated toward the familiar. This linen skirt and its matching blazer were goodwill finds from many years ago. They fit like a glove, and since I’m programmed for synchronicity, I bought them. The skirt is one of my favorite articles of clothing, not only because it’s thrifted, but also because it makes me feel instantly put together. The rest of the outfit happened organically; the old cotton Led Zeppelin tee which I cropped the night before, and my mom’s old trusty hand-me-down denim vest. A symphony of comfort, because I suppose unwittingly I needed to be wrapped in the familiar.

On days where I’m not quite myself, clothes help me weather the storm, and accessories that remind me of those I love are of utmost necessity. I wanted to be dripping in the gold of my grandparents; abuelo’s class ring, the gold bangles abuelo and abuela gifted me for my quinces. As a teenager I would shy away from gold. I felt it was too much, in hindsight I think I was too insecure for it. After all, there’s a reason gold is the precious metal of immortals and demigods, you cannot be ignored in gold. Now? It reminds me of how they always dressed to the nines, and of abuelo’s sparkling gold tooth.

So I did my eye makeup, much more meticulously than I usually do, and dusted off my old brogues and vintage clutch. I’m not generally a perfectionist, but for some reason, on this day, I was. Perhaps I was trying to micromanage the things I was fully in control of, but I took a great deal of pleasure in getting dressed on this day. Still, we went off to shoot, and there was no magic. Locations are often a breeze. Whether we take advantage of making a day trip out of a shoot, or work on a whim in some alley, open field, or store front, we’re never lacking in inspiration. On this day, there was dope shit happening all over the city, but instead of heading toward the bustle, we drove around aimlessly until settling on these rolling hills in the middle of a neighborhood we’d be hard pressed to find again.

Have you ever felt off? You know, like when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or can’t seem to get your bearings no matter how positive you’re trying to be. For me, this state of uncertainty creeps up when things are going the most smoothly. It’s as if any progress I’ve made is no longer enough. This isn’t necessarily a bad feeling, but rather, a stagnant one. In weight loss they call it a plateau, in life, it’s just being stuck.  Ennui if you will. I want to do more, to step out of my comfort zone, to push boundaries, but I don’t know where to start. What do you do when you are hungry for growth, but don’t know what direction to go in?

Well, the thing about growth is…

It’s scary as shit.

Fear can come from the thought of change itself, a resistance to it, or maybe the uncertainty of what is coming. Mine often stems from the paradox of choice. The options, of where I will go and what I will do mean shunning the other possibilities, or worse, stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Commitment phobia at its worst. 

You see, there are many grand life decisions in the distance for all of us, we may not know what they are yet, (or maybe we already see them coming) but rest assured these things are always there. Life has an unstoppable forward momentum, and we can choose to swim with the current like mermaids and mermen, or fight against the waves and drown from exhaustion.

Still, it’s understandable that we may fear. Many of the changes on the horizon, things like a relocation, a change of career, the illness of a loved one, all have the ability to alter the course of our lives. Never mind the uncertainty that comes from living in a country where in the first week of office a megalomaniac has made swift symbolic actions against many marginalized groups.

 

So I thought about my own fear, spent days dissecting it. Why did my partner Frank and I isolate ourselves in a neighborhood on the edge of civilization, when we could’ve been in the thick of the city at a vintage fair, or a protest, handing out stickers and chatting with other creative humans who will help us fight and get through the impending waves of change? It was uncharacteristic of everything I stand for. Me, the girl who writes about the power of thought to change our lives, the importance of community, of supporting your local economy, of fighting the system. Why did I flee from the opportunities to do so?

 

You’re stronger than your fear

So, I came to a conclusion. I was paralyzed by my fear. You see I’m not an outgoing person, by any stretch of the imagination. While I’m a friendly neighbor and coworker, I don’t seek others out. I’m often most content when I am left to my own devices. It is a selfish life, and a decision I made five years ago after a downward spiral of my own mental health changed my perspective forever. I make no apologies for it, and my wonderful friends, respect my reclusive tendencies, in spite of the fact that I am sometimes a mirage.

 

The Yesenia you see on MyXXFLY is Yesenia at her best. When my voice is clear, when my thoughts are organized, when I’m conscious of my shitty posture, and standing fiercely como una guerrera. I’ve used this blog, as an exercise in self-care, in self-reflection, in self-love and improvement. Every week, these posts are a way to communicate my own struggles in hopes that someone will stumble upon the right one at the right time, and maybe find some solace.

But I fear.

I fear my own ambition, I fear making the wrong decision, I fear that those who feel sympathetic to my views will be outnumbered by those who don’t. I fear for the future, I fear for the present. I’m scared of failing. I’ve realized this week, that I can paint it with whatever brush I choose; paradox of choice, paralysis of inaction, ennui, boredom, potatoe, potato, but at the end of the day, it’s just fear.

You may or may not know this about me, but in my day to day life I wear glasses round the clock. Every pair you’ve ever seen on this blog is prescription, but during shoots, I sometimes don’t wear them at all. Why? Well, because at first, I was scared. Scared of judgmental eyes on busy streets in the city. Scared of losing my nerve. To be visible, is not easy, and without my glasses, I was empowered to ignore those which may have deterred me. Eventually, I found the courage, but I needed that crutch to find the impetus.

So why did I run away on this day? The big bad wolf of course.

Fear of feeling like I don’t belong in spaces that are not welcoming to people like me; a child of immigrants, an overweight woman, a brown one. Fear of those who will fight my presence in academic spaces, entrepreneurial ones, political ones, and even creative ones. But there is no place for fear. This isn’t to say it’s wrong to be afraid, but Audre Lord said it best; we must use our feelings of discomfort as tools. Guilt, anger, fear; your feelings are valid, but don’t let them become excuses for inaction.

There will be friendly faces, there will be beacons of light in the darkness. There is help if we are brave enough to seek it out. Seek out friendship, discuss your troubles out loud, work through them with care, turn tragedy into teachable moments. Have a dialogue, empathize, be uncomfortable so you can change that which needs to be changed.

I’ve realized now, that while some places may not embrace me, that doesn’t mean I don’t belong in them. In fact, it may mean that I must force myself to step out of my comfort zone and penetrate the prickly skin, because how will things change if I, and people like me, do not infiltrate the system and make ourselves known? I cannot let fear paralyze me to walk my own path, or to bring down a system that must be dismantled. I cannot see ambition as a dirty word. Few will seek us out, the contrarians, the fools who dream, and so we must make space, take up space, and fight these battles no matter how difficult they may be. And God knows, they will be difficult. But oppression will exist externally, and so we cannot let fear oppress us as well. Fear, is but a mental construct, and these constructs are malleable.

So I encourage you, to embrace your fears and transform them. You never know which change will be the one that brings you the life you dream of. Explore your talents, practice your practice. Give yourself permission to fight for yourself, for your dreams, and for others like you. God exists when man taps into the frequency of manifestation, it is belief in the magic of our human ability to influence change through the power of our minds and our collective efforts. You are a goddamn warrior, a change-maker, a rule-breaker, a bad-ass motherfucking force of nature. So whatever it is, just fucking do it, and do it while being fully immersed in your double-x fly ;P.